Am I really IN? In a relationship... Well of course I am! If this is not a make believe, then I guess I am.
It is just so unfair for both parties (myself and my boyfriend) that I have hesitations because of my negative experiences and beliefs. I guess committing in a relationship makes me face my greatest FEAR. Everyday is a struggle as I constantly change my state of emotional conflict because of my negative, and sometimes irrational beliefs of love and commitment.
I'm afraid not because I enjoy running from one relationship to another, but because I'm keeping my guard up, and because I want to save myself from the drama. At the age of 30, I have not experienced reciprocal love. And I have not been in a "normal" relationship. These also add up to the reason why I am afraid of engaging myself in a new relationship.
It's like I'm having double thoughts about giving in 100% to a relationship but I can’t commit to walk away either. It's like there's a voice inside my head that constantly reminds me that this relationship is not going to be long term. Something will come up and we'll break up.
This time, should I run away again before he runs away?
Right now, I am taking it easy. I am giving myself a brand new start. Or at least I'm trying. I'm tired of approaching relationships with wounds from the past.
I'm fed up of broken promises and lies and games! I'm just tired. . . And clueless. . . I'm tired of feeling insufficient and inadequate. I'm tired of getting what I do not deserve.
My query is, did my experiences made me commitment phobic? Am I really IN a REAL relationship?
Is this one for keeps? Am I bound to get heart broken?
I guess only time will tell.
And how I wouldn't know if I will not give it a try?
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